Match Reports

Grasshoppers I

20 Sept 08	Grasshoppers 1XI   6      Lowestoft II    0 As the 1XI slowly bumbled their way onto the pitchside we noticed a rather youthful Lowestoft or “Lowey” playing catch in the corner. Were we going to be put off by this team building exercise? Should we adopt such tactics to strengthen our team bond? Could this team of Suffolk U18’s (plus Rogers) prove to be a problem? I didn’t think so when I saw that 4 of them were down on one knee! Anyhoo with Alix AWOL the plan was to keep tight and push them back. Which we did, I don’t think they were in our half for the first half, which was lucky as Laura’s tight helmet meant that her vision was a bit blurry, and had visions of tall men with big balls running all over the pitch! It was soon discovered that Liz had a stinking cold, so with not much pressure being put on the defence, the backs decided to see how many long balls they could send Liz and see just how long it would take before she collapsed in a small snotty heap – she did quite well! And was nearly on the score sheet a couple of times but the added weight of soggy tissues impaired her judgment when it came to the tap ins. Fortunately Sophie and Julia were full of running, both were on fire, but it was Julia that finally managed to beat the goalie scoring twice in the first half. Half time and without the vital Vitamin C it was hoped that the normally ‘come out stronger in the 2nd half’ Lowey would soon weaken – Liz wasn’t looking too perky either. Second half and the continual running of Wendy finally paid off when one of Liz’s strays was squeezed in. Julia finished it off with a hat-trick and apart from a few PMT moments it was an enjoyable game. Keep it up..   back
27 Sept 08	Bury III    0      Grasshoppers 1XI    7 To be sung in the style of: ‘On the first day of Christmas’ In the first half at Bury my Hoppers gave to me: 4 - Change of Shirt (actually it was 10 but I’m NOT starting from there) 3 - Dodgy bellies (well two really, and a hangover) 2 - Great goals (Julia/Debbie) and a blood-y nose from Ju-li-a. (that would be Julia then). In the second half at Bury my Hoppers gave to me: 5 - GOLDEN GOALS! (Wendy/Liz/Julia/Deb/Liz) 4 - Elbow jabs (Kristy) 3 - Side line vomits (Laura) 2 - Matching knees (Kelly) and a tasty bird called Car-o-line. (err Caroline) At the Clubhouse for tea, Bury gave to us: 6 - Dry Potatoes 5 - WITH CHEESE 4 - With Beans 3 - Plain Crisps 2 - Weak teas and a very icky sticky match ball.   back
4 Oct 2008	IES    3      Grasshoppers 1XI    3 It seems Laura has started a more unusual pre-match warm up. This saw both Wendy and Nicky fighting over various bushes trying to see who had what for breakfast! Can I just say that I shall not be following the herd, so if you want to know what I had for breakfast - just ask! (although it’s usually toast). Sophie and Kristy hadn’t quite got the hang of it and could only muster a bunged up nose. From our last two matches we started with much confidence and were pressing IES hard, but the chances slipped us by. IES then pressed back and got a short corner which opened the scoring with one of those ‘plant someone by the near post and tap it in’ jobbys. We were quick to respond though, Sophie equalising almost instantly. Second half and Liz put us ahead and that’s how it stayed for most of the match, but IES didn’t quit (unfortunately) they threw everything forward, (luckily they didn’t see our warm up) and even with Julia helping the defence out, we were unable to stop them getting their second. Time was ticking on, could we get on top before the end? Julia put us ahead once again. Five minutes to go, could we hold on to a much deserved win? They pushed up and had countless long corners and we could not get it out of our half. Finally a big huff managed to find it way past the half way line and everyone vacated our half, but again IES had one last attack in them, it was a break away and it came down to a one on one with me. I must admit I thought I had it covered, but with the skill and trickery only seen in a Jet Li film she made me trip over my own feet, causing a small human domino effect where by I landed on Alix (who was thinking, well if Hayley misses, surely I’ve got it covered), suddenly realised that she had no feeling in her legs, could only watch the ball slowly trickle into the goal whilst she and I lay prostate like two washed up whales (sickening really).    back
11 Oct 2008	Grasshoppers    0      Christchurch     3 I don’t usually do reports when we lose, and this week is no exception. I was going to do a horror story in readiness for Halloween, but as Tina kindly pointed out, that had already happened! But I do feel that a certain persons efforts were worth a mention. Well done to Lauren for keeping mini Sophie quiet – things might have been a bit worser if she had been left to run riot. Well deserved Man of the Match.   back
8 Nov 2008	Felixstowe    0      Grasshoppers 1XI     7 I think that playing Felixstowe is like applying Oil of Olay, as they address the first signs of ageing with 7-in-1 powerful anti-ageing effects. Minimises lines: Visibly reduces the appearance of fine lines; So much so that on a couple of occasions when the squeeky whippets broke through, it was down to Alix to come out from between the sticks. We did get a little worried when she came out of the circle. Nourishing moisturisation: intensively hydrates the skin as it begins to show signs of dryness; That will be the rain. Tone enhancement: When enquiring with the umpire as to why a short corner was given against you, its also important to use a balanced & visibly even tone. Gentle exfoliation: When being hauled over by the umpire, don’t always assume that you will be leaving the pitch. They might have realised that they were wrong in the first instance and merely want to reiterate their authority. Pore refinement: Although 7-0 was impressive, it probably could have been more in the first half as liz had several chances but someone needed to move the goal about 1 foot to the left, and the goalie 2 feet to the right. Brightening: For radiant healthy glow; 2 Goals for Wendy & Julia. 1 for Liz, Kelly and Sophie. Spot minimisation: Reduces the appearance of skin imperfections    back
15 Nov 2008	Grasshoppers    2      Carlton Park     6 With CP on 7 out of 7 wins and only let in 1 goal , we knew that this was gonna be a stinker. So why did our defence feel the need to help with their goals tally.? After Laura and I (Kristy just plain refused to join in - spoily) agreed that we’d given CP enough of a head start, it was down to our midfield and forwards to pick up the slack. Julia managed to get the ball rolling with one of her under arm swoshy jobbys from the penalty spot. After that much of match seemed a bit of a blur. No13 was back and after her warm up in the morning she finally worked out that she actually had to get the ball between the sticks rather than either side, (bugger). Such was the on slaught, that Laura had invented a new way of tackling, which was to fall in front of their feet in the hope that they would trip over. Note: to all defense - this does NOT work. By the second half we had now come to some sort of arrangement with CP; if their umpire did not see a blindingly obvious foot or offence by the attack, then they would not score from the next short corner awarded which seemed to work ok until the umpire got wind of this and moved on to awarding flicks. Luckily we have the one of the top premiership goalies who specialises (if they go to the correct side) in saving flicks. Again lady luck was burping down wind and Alix was once again crowned Top Goalie and man of the match. Shame about the other 6 though eh! Still I think we can be victorious in denting their 51 goal difference a bit. Goals: Hayley, Laura, Julia, Kelly.   back
29 Nov 2008	Grasshoppers    4      Sudbury     2 With Alix’s reputation as the ‘best goalie in the Premier league’, I couldn’t help but wonder how I was going to fill her shoes, I need not have worried as it was hard enough trying to squeezed into her pants. We started off on the attack, but Sudbury had other plans and about 5 mins in a youthful Sudbury girl picked up the ball deep in their half, taking it off Julias toes, side stepping Sophie as if she weren’t there, nut-megged Kelly, chipped over Caroline, ran rings around Kristy and Lou, then as she found that incredibly easy, she went back up the pitch and took on all the others she had previously missed, I don’t mind the fact that if you’ve got talent - then use it, but it was the waiting for the subs to come on so she could dribble round them too that took the biscuit. Anyhoo, when she finally decided to go for goal, (after beating Kristy again) she placed it ever so professionally, top left corner, I tried my best to reach but what with the side spin she had put on it, it sent me the wrong way and I could only manage a weeble-like pirouette. Never mind, I thought, Alix would never had got that either. Fortunately, honour was restored when Julia scored a very interesting scoopy shot which had the goalie floundering like a kipper. Half time (blimey that went quick, lets hope the 2nd half goes just as quick). We started off on the attack (again), this time we were showing Sudbury the ole one-two stuff that I know we can. Several chances were had by Liz and new girl Charlotte, but none were successful. Finally Julia nudged us ahead, by scoring 2 crackers. Sudbury were also attacking well and the above mentioned P.I.T.A (pain in the arse) kept trying to repeat her previous success, so this time I decided to charge her before she could pin-point her spot, this seemed to be largely successful and Lou and Kristy were there to mop up any leftovers, however, due to frantic mopping they were awarded a flick! Caroline came up to me and said 'you’re good at these', I thought 'what would Alix do?' so I punched her in the lip and said 'wrong goalie - you spoon!' An experienced looking lady stepped up and placed the shot hip height, right side netting and just beyond my stick - buggar! More end to end stuff and despite Kristy’s growling Sudbury seemed to be having the upper hand as no more than 5 mins had passed before they were awarded another flick! Fortunately for me, they sent the same old bird up, now my many years of hockey has taught me one thing (sorry Mark): Flicks are fairly rare - so two in one game is quite exceptional, so if someone has mastered the art of one flick, its not very likely that they have mastered two different ones. This theory was what I was banking on, so I stepped a little more right and worked on the premise that she was going same place - and she did!!!!!!! (next week the Big Bang theory). I have to say I was a little bit happy and had to hug summit - obviously the nearest person was Andi - not very professional I know, but heyho!. Time seemed to have stood still as each time we asked the ump ‘how long left?’ he never strayed far from 15mins. Sudbury threw everything forward and were banging in the shots left right and centre, but the team snuffed out most attempts. By now the aforementioned old biddie was getting right frustrated and let out a Sophie type screamer heading for my far post (my weak side) but I thought 'NO, you are not going to penetrate me again!' (or summit like that) and I dived Dave Beasant-like to my right - fortunately it was going that way too - I stretched out my arm and felt a dink on my stick. But I didn’t know if it dinked in or dinked out - to my relief it dinked just wide. Sophie finished Sudbury off with a last minute goal, I cant go into detail as it was quite dark and couldn’t see much, but I hear it was impressive. Well done everyone - great game!! (BTW Alix - I got 14 votes for man of the match - which was a surprise as there was only 12 of us!!)   back
17 Jan 2009	Grasshoppers    5      Bury     2 With only 10 men (Ed; I’m not PC, and quite frankly I don’t care), another youthful looking Bury and Julias skirt only staying up on a wing and a prayer, things were starting to look bleak. Still Alixs new helmet looked snazzy. I cant go into too much detail of the game as apart from it being fairly end to endy - there weren’t too many specific moments to recall, except: upon doing a flying leap across the goal line to prevent a certain goal, I heard Kristy shouting "its hit her head - its hit her head" as I lay there watching numerous sticks pound mine (Lau: I understand now - a bit late I know!), I thought "oh God who's it hit". With the whistle blown, I looked around and everyone was ok, including me. Still it's a great way to stop the game. The marking was excellent even though and on occasion they did side step me, the only thing I manage to wipe out was Wendy - sorry. Goals came from Julia (2) Sophie (2) and Liz. Julia’s were her usual reverse sticky jobbys, her second came from a quick long corner from Charlotte, who had an outstanding game. It was so quick that I was still checking were my opponents were in case of a turnover when I heard a thud and then a united cry of "hoorah". Sophies second goal was sooooo soft you could have tied it up with a ribbon and called it bambi. From a 16yard hit, Bury quite literally passed it to Sophie, who with obviously no one to stop her wellied it in. Those of you who didn’t come back for teas - you missed a real treat. Alix had us all captivated with a thrilling story about ‘even bigger Dave’ (not to be confused with ‘big Dave’) and two walnut whips and a wardrobe. It was really gripping stuff. I’m sure if you ask her nicely she will enthral you with it too.    back
24 Jan 2009	Grasshoppers    5      IES II     4 This Saturday we got the chance to see Kristy’s new acquisition; long, slim, dark but a bit holey - and her stick was nice too! Whilst IES were doing their pre-match warm up Liz was telling us about her new nutrition kick of Pick ‘n’ Mix, read on to see if it works better than the Fish ‘n’ Chick ‘n’ diet that I’ve been following. Ies is one of our bogey teams and matches are always a little tense and this one was no different. We scored first (Liz) then they scored, then they scored again (no 96), then Lisa scored, then they scored (no 96 again, but fortunately she then went off with a broken leg - thank god!), then we scored (Liz) are you keeping up? Then Julia scored, then they scored. Laura missed a flick (never mind - it was good of you to step up) I’m just glad Kristy didn’t hear what Alix said. Ok where was I erm.. us/them/them/us/them/us/us/them and then finally with only the longest ever 8 minutes to go Wendy scored a diving header at the far post. Phew! That was exciting (and not in a good way) but well done everyone. All back now to the pub for a well deserved cup of tea - I say all, Laura, Kelly, Lisa, and Kristy then decided that they hadn’t had enough excitement for one day, so decided to play mixed - Mado’s. So that left the more experienced members of the team to revel in our glory and regale with stories of trampolines and generally warm the parts that had been exposed to the cold for too long. For example, upon entering the bar we found Liz quite provocatively rubbing herself up against the urn. Original way of getting the water warm I thought, but it turned out that her chest area got quite cold, and despite numerous offers to warm them up, it was all much too late and they fell off (see fig 1) and landed in amongst the muffins. Luckily most of us were still on the chip butties and the items were recovered before anything unthinkable happened. Ed. Liz - I know were you can get two walnut whips if you need replacements.    back